January 26th, 2008 by RocketMBA

Channel 4 bigwigs are planning to move this summer’s Big Brother to a graveyard slot, leaving the 9pm slot open for something that people actually watch.

Channel 4’s director of programmes, Julian Bellamy, confirmed that it was all about the ratings. “A couple of years ago Big Brother was such a ratings banker that it would be unthinkable to even discuss such a move. So this is a clear sign that the show’s glory days are behind it”, he coughed.

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack’s viewing figures currently hover around the 300,000-600,000 people mark, 98% of those being people who leave the TV on to keep their dog company at night.

January 22nd, 2008 by RocketMBA

BBC Three is set to become as much about IPTV as it is about everyday TV, thanks to a new long-term objective to merge the Internet, web broadcasting and user-generated content with the rubbish they have on there already.

Come Winter, BBC Three will be simulcasting on the web as well as putting user-generated content in primetime slots, complementing Lily Allen’s rubbish sounding social networking programme.

Hopefully, this means that they’ll have something to show other than repeats of Two Pints Of Lager.

January 19th, 2008 by RocketMBA

The Czech Republic is set to get their own TV channel that only runs for a maximum of 4 hours a year, thanks to a German savings company called BSH and some Czech bank.

The channel, named Liska TV, will appear on Astra 1 on the 16th of April and will broadcast for one hour between two and four times a year. It’ll show something about saving money, which is presumably what its owners are doing by only running a TV channel for less than 0.005% of the year.

Disturbingly, a German version of this channel has been running for the past 12 years.

January 15th, 2008 by RocketMBA

Nuts TV is set to start broadcasting on satellite on the 21st of January. Well, it’s arrived early, hidden away from the Sky EPG. It’s a good thing it’s not on the EPG, too, since it’s a load of rubbish.

Here’s our two hosts. As you can see, one is a 30-something beard-face that you’d likely meet in a nightclub trying to “pull” some “birds”, and the other is a Cheryl Tweedy lookalike that’s plastered herself in make-up. Unlike Cheryl Tweedy, however, this girl’s nose seems to be pointing 45 degrees upwards.

Shed Sports 1 is one of the little… Things… That they’ll be putting on Nuts TV. As such, it’s one of the things you’ll want to avoid.

It’s hosted by “Comedy Dave”, an Everton supporter and Chris Moyles sympathiser, and some guy called Geoff Norcott, who likely won “Stupidest Surname of 2007″. They babble on about sport, but neither of them have anything interesting or funny to say.

Nuts TV is bad. So bad, in fact, that I have found myself unable to watch more than 3 minutes of it in any one session, and as a result I have been unable to write more than four paragraphs about it. To summarise:

Plus points:
- The woman looks like Cheryl Tweedy

Minus points:
- Everything else

(TOP TIP: If you’re a sucker for punishment, you can watch Nuts TV now on 28.2e - 12051 V 27500)

January 15th, 2008 by RocketMBA

Did you know that there’s a hidden test card, buried away inside the depths of BBCi? Here’s how you get it up…

1. Tune to the BBCi channel (currently ch. 105)
2. When the BBCi background appears, press Yellow (within 30 secs)
3. Tune away to a different channel
4. Tune back to the BBCi channel (currently ch. 105)
5. When the BBCi background appears, press Green (within 30 secs)
The word ‘Secret’ will appear in the top right hand corner
6. Wait until the status page appears
7. Enter 3, 3, 5, 8, 2, Red, Green, Yellow, Blue
8. Wait approximately 30 seconds

There’s also a load of nerdy technical stuff displayed, as well as the ability to change your BBCi region for the Freeview session. Nice!

January 14th, 2008 by RocketMBA

Toshiba and their band of HD-DVD loving minions are to pump cash into the advertising of their HD-DVD format, even though they claim to be winning the next-gen DVD war.

Toshiba are claiming that HD-DVD is “the format of choice for consumers”, citing their huge 50% share of the next-gen optical sales in America during 2007.

Unfortunately for Toshiba, the other 50% of the share went to their only rival Blu-Ray.

January 11th, 2008 by RocketMBA

Quick, after the little gits before they get away!

(Found on 1w, 11463 V 6111)

January 10th, 2008 by RocketMBA

I’ll have £50 on each of them!

(Found on 1w, 11497 V 3200)

January 10th, 2008 by RocketMBA

The Romanian TV advertising market was worth a lot of cash in 2007 - around €320 million, to be precise. That’s an awful lot of adverts. But just what are these adverts selling? Here are a few possibilities:

Leather harness
Pogo sticks
“Iubire ca in filme” VHS cassette tape
Green ink pens
Half-price Donkey rental

Can you think of more?

January 8th, 2008 by RocketMBA

Polsat and DTH-guys ITI Neovision are reported to have signed an agreement to launch a new channel focusing on the Polish football league, the Orange Ekstraklasa.

With such fantastic on-pitch thrills as Z. Sosnowiec vs Jagiellonia and the spectacle that is Zaglebie Lubin vs Lodzki KS, the snappily-named Polska Ekstraklasa TV is set to be a big hit with the followers of the league.

Both of them.

January 4th, 2008 by RocketMBA

Look! It’s part 3 of the Christmas TV best-and-worst thing that I’m drawing out to last almost a week

THE TWO RONNIES - ITV3

What could be better than Ronnie Corbett, Ronnie Barker and their Four Candles sketch?

Vs

THE TWO RONNIES - ITV3

Nothing, according to ITV3. It turns out that they could only afford to show The Two Ronnies this Christmas. The ITV network must have spent all their cash on The Westlife Show.

Tomorrow: whatever I can copy and paste from Google News.

January 3rd, 2008 by RocketMBA

It’s part 2 of the Christmas what’s-good-and-what’s-rubbish-a-lot. Look: with your eyes.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN - BBC One

This one was always going to bring in some big viewing figures, in part because by 8:30pm on Christmas Eve everybody’s so drunk they’ve forgotten that other channels exist. Shockingly, it didn’t even make the Christmas Day top 10 ratings-wise, but Johnny Depp and that skinny woman were still far more entertaining than…

Vs

CAN FAT TEENS HUNT? - BBC Three

This programme should probably have been named “Will people really watch anything?“, since it’s nothing but footage of some fat kids in an African desert. Scheduling this programme to be on while Pirates of the Caribbean is being shown speaks volumes about what the BBC think of it.

Tomorrow: Part Thrice, with a side of rice.

January 2nd, 2008 by RocketMBA

Don’t forget to watch Kill Bill Vol. 2 in glorious high definition at 22:30 tonight on BBC HD (28.2e).

Thanks to the wonder of the 1440×1088 resolution, we can now see the three-foot gap between Uma Thurman’s eyes in fantastic detail.

January 2nd, 2008 by RocketMBA

At Christmas, there’s invariably some great programmes on. Big movies, family classics, the Christmas Eastenders where everyone dies… Yes, Christmas TV can be great, but have you ever wondered about what goes on elsewhere?

I put on an extra-long pair of trousers and went into the muddy underbelly of Christmas television to see just what else was on when the Only Fools and Horses Christmas special was being shown for the 296th time.

CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG - ITV1

A well-loved musical that stars not only Benny Hill, but also the man with the rudest name yet: the legendary Dick van Dyke. Also, it’s got a flying car in it - who wouldn’t watch this?! Almost as fun as playing “Pin the tail on Camilla Parker Bowles”.

Vs

THE WESTLIFE SHOW - ITV2

It’s well documented that Christmas is not always a happy time for some people. Christmas stress and depression are rife in this country, and with pap like this on TV it’s no surprise. Irish crooners Westlife belted out a load of sentimental junk about some woman they loved and lost, while the granny audience of the UK tuned in and wet themselves with excitement.

Tomorrow: Part 2!

January 1st, 2008 by RocketMBA

Hello, Stevie! Welcome to The SatScene! I’m Matt, and I’ll be your guide through the world of televisual oddities.

What can you expect to see here? Well, when I’m sober enough to type something coherent up, you’ll be getting updates of what’s going on in the television world, from Freeview to free satellite, from Emmerdale to… err… Football.

So, sit back and get ready to get poked in the eye with a wit-soaked news stick I found at a bus stop in Reading.