June 10th, 2009 by BGonaSTICK

Schimbarii she most definitely isn’t.

Her mum probably thinks she’s great marriage material.

Snapped from Pratech TV (FTA) at 1 degree West, 12643, vertical.

Shame. Couldn’t resist it though.

December 5th, 2008 by BGonaSTICK

In this brand new feature at Satscene, we’re highlighting the fact that we do occasionally watch telly as opposed to just ripping the piss out of it.

This is the first in a series of more than one featured TV programmes, all of which will be reviewed perfectly seriously by the team, with no smirking, giggling or mickey-taking. We will be throwing the full weight of our journalistic talents at this and holding nothing back.

Or we might just revert to type and attempt to find humour in things which don’t rightly justify it.

In issue one, we feature Brainiac, that institution of academic wastelandiness.

Here you will be ‘entertained and amused’ by that Richard Hammond berk who keeps crashing cars and blowing up caravans, plus the increasingly aggravating Jon Tickle (from Big Brother 4). Boy to I want to smack him in the kisser!

Let’s get right down to it. It’s a lads mag pretending to be educational.

It also pretends to be entertaining, but fails miserably. It has one redeeming feature though. The Brainiac ladettes. Nothing more to say about them other than - check the pics!

So just to recap then, that’s tits, bums and exploding caravans.

All quite embarrassing really. People have been up in arms in recent years at the blatant sexism in the Benny Hill show for example, and here we are re-inventing it all in the name of science.

Fantastic, I say! Now if we could just get rid of the science bit. And the Hammond/Tickle dudes. Maybe the opening titles and ending credits while we’re about it.

And whilst I’m up for an explosion or two, the repeated destruction of otherwise perfectly useable mobile homes does get a little tiresome, so let’s ditch that. It adds nothing to an otherwise winning formula if you ask me.

Right, looking better after our minor improvements, I reckon.

December 1st, 2008 by BGonaSTICK

Arthur C Clarke would turn in his grave…

http://www.sectoo.org/news/satellite-frequency-tv-channel-list-and-digital

We have awarded that classic blog entry our coveted SatScene triple-shit-bugle award!

November 12th, 2008 by BGonaSTICK

We thought the existing smiley set here at SatScene was, to be truthfull, dull as dishwater.

So we spent over £1.75 to have an exclusive set designed for us by this silly old fart who spammed our blog last week. We didn’t buy his overpriced (err, probably…) Viagra, but as luck would have it he turned out to be an out-of-work web designer - and hey - beggars can’t be choosers, right?

In fact, none of that is true. This is actually another in our series of stupid frames clipped randomly from an otherwise boring low-budget piece of crap fit only to fill that otherwise embarrassing silence between the overnight loop of teletext pages, and the indecently early morning news on BBC2.

In fact, that’s a lie too. They were snatched illegally from a dire documentary on Angola shown on the TPAI channel (FTA) - Eutelsat W3A, 7E, 11346, Horizontal, 27500, 2/3.

Don’t bother tuning in, unless you too are writing a blog about TV dross and trying to make it sound interesting.

Fat Arse

You're goin' down, chummy!

If I get hold of you, you're dead meat!

So I thought to myself - this fella's a bit slow...

Lesbian!

'Unprintable'

January 22nd, 2008 by RocketMBA

BBC Three is set to become as much about IPTV as it is about everyday TV, thanks to a new long-term objective to merge the Internet, web broadcasting and user-generated content with the rubbish they have on there already.

Come Winter, BBC Three will be simulcasting on the web as well as putting user-generated content in primetime slots, complementing Lily Allen’s rubbish sounding social networking programme.

Hopefully, this means that they’ll have something to show other than repeats of Two Pints Of Lager.

January 4th, 2008 by RocketMBA

Look! It’s part 3 of the Christmas TV best-and-worst thing that I’m drawing out to last almost a week

THE TWO RONNIES - ITV3

What could be better than Ronnie Corbett, Ronnie Barker and their Four Candles sketch?

Vs

THE TWO RONNIES - ITV3

Nothing, according to ITV3. It turns out that they could only afford to show The Two Ronnies this Christmas. The ITV network must have spent all their cash on The Westlife Show.

Tomorrow: whatever I can copy and paste from Google News.

January 3rd, 2008 by RocketMBA

It’s part 2 of the Christmas what’s-good-and-what’s-rubbish-a-lot. Look: with your eyes.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN - BBC One

This one was always going to bring in some big viewing figures, in part because by 8:30pm on Christmas Eve everybody’s so drunk they’ve forgotten that other channels exist. Shockingly, it didn’t even make the Christmas Day top 10 ratings-wise, but Johnny Depp and that skinny woman were still far more entertaining than…

Vs

CAN FAT TEENS HUNT? - BBC Three

This programme should probably have been named “Will people really watch anything?“, since it’s nothing but footage of some fat kids in an African desert. Scheduling this programme to be on while Pirates of the Caribbean is being shown speaks volumes about what the BBC think of it.

Tomorrow: Part Thrice, with a side of rice.

January 2nd, 2008 by RocketMBA

At Christmas, there’s invariably some great programmes on. Big movies, family classics, the Christmas Eastenders where everyone dies… Yes, Christmas TV can be great, but have you ever wondered about what goes on elsewhere?

I put on an extra-long pair of trousers and went into the muddy underbelly of Christmas television to see just what else was on when the Only Fools and Horses Christmas special was being shown for the 296th time.

CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG - ITV1

A well-loved musical that stars not only Benny Hill, but also the man with the rudest name yet: the legendary Dick van Dyke. Also, it’s got a flying car in it - who wouldn’t watch this?! Almost as fun as playing “Pin the tail on Camilla Parker Bowles”.

Vs

THE WESTLIFE SHOW - ITV2

It’s well documented that Christmas is not always a happy time for some people. Christmas stress and depression are rife in this country, and with pap like this on TV it’s no surprise. Irish crooners Westlife belted out a load of sentimental junk about some woman they loved and lost, while the granny audience of the UK tuned in and wet themselves with excitement.

Tomorrow: Part 2!